Not sure I should say this??

I have been toying with wanting to write this for a long time.  There is something I wanted to get off of my chest and I really don't want to talk about with anyone I know IRL.  It is really personal, but it is something I have been thinking about for, honestly, 15 years.  Does anyone know about the book "The Secret" if yes and if it is true I really hope I didn't bring this on myself.


(Side Note: if you have no idea what the book "The Secret" talks about.  I don't want to spend much time explaining this so lets see if I can quickly summarize it.  Basically, if there is something you want out of life.  You put all of your energy into focusing on it or thinking about it and it will come true.  Like, for example, if you really wanted a boat..and you thought about it all the time...you will have a boat.  Basically if you put good energy in...you get good stuff, but if you think about bad things...bad things happen.) I guess this summary is close enough for now.

Well,  this first part is going to sound very snobby and like I am bragging.  If I want to be honest, there really isn't anyway to get around it without sounding that way and without being long-winded.  So, I am sorry in advance, but it will help give an understanding. 

I really have had such a great perfect life.  Everything has gone so smoothly and so perfectly.  I started noticing this at about the age of 14 or 15.  I have done everything I have ever wanted and have gotten everything I have ever wanted (except for one singe thing and that will be the point of this post at the end)  I had two parents that were very easy going...I had no rules...no curfew...I did what ever I pleased.  We had plenty of money, built a new construction home...when we built it the first home we had sold in 2 days from when they put it on the market.  I have two great brothers who I have always gotten along with...we played well as children...still friends today...(my brother has actually called me twice in the time I have gotten to this point in my writing.)  I got the vacations I wanted (I won't list them all....there have been a lot) I will mention New York, LA, and Europe. Ok maybe I will list more Texas, Florida, Nashville, California (other than L.A. which I already mentioned) and lots more.  I wanted cheerleader...got it....I wanted poms...got it....softball....varsity soccer....variety golf....basketball...piano lessons....I got the prom dress I wanted....I lived in a great town.  I was part of the 'popular' crowd and we were very nice people to each other and others.   I had the farm life and the city life....I serious live in between...I can go to our farm west of me or I can go to a downtown city if I go east.  I have gone to the concerts I want and have seen the Broadway shows I have wanted.  I do understand how conceded I sound...I get it.  These are superficial things....but you have to understand that I have gotten all the superficial things I have ever wanted.


I got a car at 16.  I landed the best high school job you could get. (I worked at a video rental store...I think that is the best high school job ever....better than working with food or hard labor....I got to rent anything I wanted for free and keep it for as long as I wanted....I thought it was the perfect job anyways)

I did dance.....you should see how cool of a neighborhood I grew up in and the fun neighborhood kids in it and what we did in the summer time and evenings....it was perfect.....we even had the perfect snow sledding hill in our backyard and we lived on a lake in your second house....so I got boats and swimming time all the time. 

I have even been in bad situations that should of been worse...I have been to underage drinking parties where I was drunk and the cops showed up and I got away without being caught.  I have put myself in horrible situations with men that could of been bad.

My little brother served 2 tours in Iraq and came home great.  He also got in a horrific motorcycle accident where he was thrown 40 ft and landed in a ditch and he was not wearing a helmet.  He got a cut on the back of his ankle (it wasn't even a broken bone in his foot) but he did break a hip, but it was set and it fine today. 

I have 3 out of 4 grandparents still living at this age.

I mean perfect stuff.

But the most perfect thing of all that has happened to me is that I really did find the perfect husband....he is cute, hard working, he really adjusts to all my quirks, I mean perfect.  He does everything I ask of him.  I found him at a great age and we married at the perfect age.  (I married at 25 I thought that was a perfect age) I had a great college life.

Ok I need to stop here with this I hope you get the point.  I am sure you do.


But, at the age of 14-15ish...I started to notice how everything works out so perfect all the time....I thought "Something bad is going to happen one day"  I am going to go through something horrible I just know it......I have thought this way since that age.  I have always been waiting for something to happen....I know something was going to happen....when, where, and what???????


Then I found out: INFERTILITY



I knew it.  This is really gut wrenching pain......and this pain is in my face every second of every day!!!!!!!!

I feel as if I am suppose to have this....I feel I deserve it....I feel that childless is my story. 

I don't even feel like I should go through infertility treatment.  I feel that I am suppose to be this.  I feel as if this is the reason why everything else has been so perfect.  I was the perfect American girl and I have done everything. 

So basically half of me feels a little peace (this is what you have been worrying all your life about....this is finally the answer) and part of me feels so much pain.  I feel like medical intervention isn't right for me and I shouldn't press this because it will be selfish.  I can't describe the understanding vs totally pissed off feeling I feel.  This is my consequence.